Hello? Hello Out There?

When I’m not being selfish and actually look at my surroundings, life is great. I’m in college, I have a great family, I am given everything I need and want. I have a great car, expensive clothes, designer purses, and three pairs of Ugg boots. Who am I to complain about life?

Regardless of that list, I complain every day. I’m not skinny enough or pretty enough, I am really struggling in college, I feel like I don’t fit in my sorority, and I can’t hear God.

“What?”

Yeah, I can’t hear Him. I call, I cry, I pray, I read (occasionally if we’re telling the truth), and I still have no answers.

• What am I supposed to be when I grow up?
• Should I change my major?
• Should I get a Teaching Certificate?
• Is studying abroad a good idea for me?
• Is my relationship with God okay?

I’ve been asking these questions for quite some time, and I hear no answers. And I really don’t have any learning experiences to share or any epiphanies coming my way as I type this. Only Pandora playing, my fingers typing, and the dog snoring.

God, where are you?

My life is so good. I have no reason to complain. Yet, here I am. Lost. Confused. And apparently deaf. I trust that God delivers, and that I wouldn’t be here right now if God didn’t have a purpose with my life. 

I just can not hear Him.

Hopefully, some day soon, I can blog about how great my relationship is with our King, and how I got all of my questions answered. But tonight, I have nothing but an empty and broken heart.

❤️,

sSm

What Tinder Taught Me

Tinder: everyone knows it as a place to meet people for hook-ups. I, however, decided to think the best about it. & bot did a lesson come out of that one.

Initially, I loved the app. It gave me a high, knowing that several cute guys that I “liked” had also liked me back. It was flattering, and it made me feel good about myself. Someone special. Someone worth something. 

After that initial high subsided, I began to think “are guys just ‘liking’ me because of my blonde hair?” And that’s when I began to learn a hard lesson.

One guy that had surfaced the virtual stack of boys seemed very intriguing. His name is C. (abbreviated for special effect). What made C stand out wasn’t his location, profile picture, or even his education. C has a daughter. His bio read “looking for a forever woman for me and my daughter”. I was moved. How brave was this 20-year-old boy to announce that he was a single father on Tinder. Something touched my heart, and after a bit of an internal fight, I decided to swipe right.

“It’ a Match!” the Tinder screen screamed at me. My stomach dropped and I waited two hours to see whether C would message me. During this time, I thought... 

I have been so afraid that my dream of having this picture-perfect future is not going to work out. And I had told myself that maybe I had this fear because something like C would happen. A man with a baby would end up being my true-love, and the 'perfect dream' of my future would suddenly feel insignificant and silly.

So, I decided to message him first.

Everything seemed to check out- he was a Christian and married his daughters mother because it was the right thing to do. His family is from here, he lives here, and has almost graduated school to become a firefighter. Despite the baby- who is a living angel- C really began to check out in every way. I began to think about and plan all the dates we’d go on, even our first potential kiss.

But then, the second night we spent trying to get to know each other, things took a dramatic turn.

C asked me what I thought was most important in a relationship, and I answered with trust, sacrifice, and the ability to give. He responded by saying that although those things were important, the most important thing to him was a good sexual relationship. C believes (and he has a complete right to believe what he wants) that without a great sexual connection, the relationship can’t be good.

I felt trapped. This boy- who has a great house, job, family, life, and child- was being open about how important sex was to him. I hesitated in my answer, but I told him my beliefs. I said that abstinence was something that my parents had drilled into me and that it felt like the most important thing to keep to myself and my future husband. He asked if I had any sexual past. And I didn’t lie. “I have never had sex, no.” I responded, clearly. 

I expected C to say that he was okay with what I believed, and that I was worth the wait.

But that is not at all what happened. 

"Well keep it [my purity] don't ever let anyone take that away from you 

definitely wait for that one man to come along 

and sweep you off your feet,

honestly I don't think I'm that guy”

After crying briefly, and praying asking God why this went wrong, I saw what lesson came out of this: I stood firm in my beliefs. Even while tempted with a “perfect guy” and even being judged for my beliefs, I stood the test. And I made it out of this situation with a heart that is still in one piece. 

I might have lost in a man's decision between sex and me, but that is not a bad thing. I am proud of holding up my beliefs, and the reward was immediate. My heart made it unscathed, and, if you think about it, my body un-tempted. I am so proud of myself and the strength that I didn’t know I had, or was even using.

Needless to say, I deleted the app. I’m going to go back to God’s way of finding the man of my dreams. 
(Or at least trying to figure out what God’s way is….)

❤️sSm

The "Wait"

As a (1) girl, (2) blonde, and (3) college student, it's pretty much assumed that having sex is a normal thing to be doing. The TV's, music, movies, and society are all screaming "Sex is good!", but God is whispering "Wait." With all of this screaming going on externally, it gets pretty hard to hear God's soft voice.

Let''s hit my background for just a second: I was raised by divorced parents who didn't agree on much, but- thankfully- they both strongly encouraged the "wait until marriage" lesson from the Bible. As a child, I romanticized the "honeymoon" night. The First Time You Have Sex, lights dim, husband and wife, intimate for the first time in their lives. But, all of a sudden, Society and Media were teaching me something else. "Sexy, dirty, and as often as you can get it" seemed to be the new way to go. Overnight, the struggle between God and Modern-Day clashed.

 For years now, I have struggled between the two versions of the way sex should be. Sure, you want to honor God and abstain from sex. And you even think that you can- until the first temptation. It's 'God's Way' until you two are alone, and then you begin to justify yourselves. "They won't love me unless I do this", "Sex can't be that bad, everyone else does it!", "Nobody is a virgin passed the age of 20", and my favorite, "God wrote the Bible, like, 10 million years ago! He didn't write it for 2015. He had no idea that sex would be common and normal to do." Well, actually... He did. And He expects more from us.

 (Disclaimer: I have never had sex, nor ever really been close, but that doesn't mean that the temptation isn't there. I am a virgin, but trust me, I have no room to be judging anyone who can't say the same.)

As my parents raised me in purity, they also consequently scared me out of having sex. Honestly, sex makes me uncomfortable. It seems gross, and disgusting, and unnecessary. But, that is not what God intended either. For a while, I have struggled with the idea of sex, God, and their correlation. And I know I can't be the only one. In today's world, it is unheard of to be a virgin. It's embarrassing to admit it, and a hurtful label placed on people. Sex causes a lot of hurt and deviance in Christians. 

BUT: God says "Flee from sexual immorality" (1 Corinthians 6:18), and "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." (Colossians 3:1-2). Don't be deceived, God says many more things on this subject: but ultimately they all share the same message: Glorify God in your actions, abstain from sexual immorality and only be intimate with your one and only husband/wife. 

God does not promise an easy life on this Earth as a Christian, but the rewards he promises are worth-while. Hang in there. Trust me, God has your best interests at heart and there is a reason He tells us to wait. 

❤️sSm

(PS this tok a lot for me to put on the internet and I would love to talk to anybody who reads this about anything.)

TobyMac's [Hand] Hits Deep

So, time for another post-concert blog….

Last night I went to the TobyMac Hits Deep concert. I’ve been following TobyMac since his days as one of the Three (DCTalk). If you want the full truth, I’ve always been a little obsessed with him. I’ve been to three of his concerts throughout the years, and he is my top favorite artist (if you can’t tell yet…😉) 

So, last night at his concert, something…. Miraculous happened. I touched TobyMac’s hand. Not just touched, but squeezed. You know how people hold hands during a prayer, and at the end you all squeeze each others hands? I’m a huge hand-squeezer. To me, that’s a sign of love: like “hey, Jesus loves you and so do I!” kind of thing.

Anyways, I squeeze people’s hands. And Toby squeezed my hand. And in that moment, it was completely beautiful. While he was singing “City On Our Knees”, he squeezed my hand and made eye contact with me and I just felt him saying “Don’t worry. God loves You.” And at first, after that moment was over, I felt like coolest person around me. I was the only one who got to hold Toby’s hand. I was a star. However, after that feeling went away, another one arose. 

“Steeli, he’s not God. Toby’s not perfect. He’s a person just like you. Who cares that you touched his hand?”

And suddenly: I felt guilty that I had held Toby’s hand. I felt so selfish. And sinful. I’d idolized Toby. But, he’s human. He’s just like me. He’s a guy who holds God as close to his heart as he can. And- just like me- Toby struggles with that daily. Just as every Christian does.

So, I had another realization. 

Toby isn’t perfect. 

But God is. 

And if the only perfect thing is God, why do I try so hard to appear to be the ‘perfect Christian’?

I’ve been praying all week for Toby’s concert to open my heart and be a way for me to grow more in Christ. And He delivered. 

I never would have guessed that He would have delivered through Toby’s hand. But God did. 

TobyMac’s hands was flesh. Just like mine. 

It was humbling. And not at all what I expected.

So, it’s time to grow up in this journey. The only thing that’s perfect is Jesus Christ. I won’t ever be perfect. And it’s deceiving to display myself as such. And Toby isn’t perfect either. Which makes imperfectness feel a little easier. And less lonely. ❤️

Maybe- when Toby squeezed my hand- he was saying “Don’t worry. I’m not perfect either. But God loves Us anyways.”

Guilty

If serving you’s against the law of man, 

If living out my faith in you is banned,

Then I’ll stand right before the Jury.

If saying “I Believe” is out of line,

If I’m Judged ‘cause I’m gonna give my life

To show the world the Love that fills me,

Then I want to be Guilty.

-Newsboys

So, God’s Not Dead 2 is about to come out… Is anyone else pumped?? Tonight I went to the 2016 “Rock & Worship Roadshow” featuring Mandisa, Danny Gokey, Jeremy Camp, Newsboys, and many others.

While in the arena tonight, I realized that there are people just like me who love the Lord. I have recently felt alone in my Walk. I feel like I can’t turn to my friends and show them the passion and desire I have for Jesus. I feel like my future husband won’t be in love with our Father like I am. But tonight, without even knowing that was an issue, God showed me that I’m not alone. He humbled my heart tonight. I know that I am not the greatest Christian in the room. And I know that it is not important. But I learned I’m not alone in my walk with Jesus Christ.

I love knowing when people around me love God. It warms my heart, and it pushes me to want to be better at This. I want to Speak. I want God’s love to shine through my heart everywhere I go. I want people to be moved when they see me. Not because they see me, but because they see God in me. I want to be Guilty By Association of God. 

My heart is on fire for Him, and tonight I understood that I’m not alone in that. And that I am here in this world to Overcome, to Speak Life, and to be Guilty of displaying my undying love for Him.

Amen. God Bless & Good Night.

*drops mic* (because I went to a Christian concert & sang my heart out.😊)